Famous for: Trainspotters, but with flasks of lukewarm lemon tea, not the Glaswegian variety. A boil on the backside of Cheshire, Crewe was also home to a Rolls Royce factory, but that closed at the turn of the century because there’s nobody in Crewe bright enough to operate a spanner these days.
The club: Crewe Alexandra, named after a princess, although I don’t recall British Leyland making a model with that name. Formed in 1877, they’ve spent forever being perennial battlers, but have managed to lift the EFL Trophy, so they can’t be all bad, despite the furore over Barry Bennell.
The ground: Alexandra Stadium, which sounds a lot posher than Gresty Road. It’s traditional, in a 1990s rebuild sort of way, with one massive stand and three meccano kitset pop-ups, complete with stanchions in the away ‘end’. Saddlers are accommodated in the Ice Cream Van Stand. Flakes all round.
Bescot Banter fans should go to The Cheshire. Fast food is their specialty, albeit that time moves differently once you are inside. The chef is supposedly trained by Gordon Ramsey, although we suspect that means he once appeared on ‘Kitchen Nightmares’.
Vital Walsall fans should go to The Corner Bar. Great selection of wines, and a pool table to waste time before the match. Recently refurbished, which either means it’s on the up or some other away fans trashed it last season.
WFHYS fans should go to The British Lion – apparently takes in everyone who’s been banned from everywhere else so won’t be a problem.
UTS fans should go straight to the stadium and have a beer at the Alexandra Suite, which apparently welcomes smart, well-behaved supporters.
Locals recommend nothing. We asked, they did not reply. Insular bunch of six-fingered inbreds.
If you have no ticket and we’ve sold out again, you could do worse than spend a couple of hours at the Sandbach services, picking up hitch hikers and throwing beer cans at passing cars.
This guide is not intended to be current, does not purport to be accurate, and may result in mental or physical injury if advice is followed.